Coz I will always be your ‘Shravan Kumar’….

(After all those heavy articles , I write this personal post..It is for myself and a few close people and not intended for any other purposes, I shall resume my 'normal ' writing from next week itself)

"Things we lose, have a way of coming back to us in the end.....
If not always in the way we expect !!! "



Last night at around 11.30 pm, I was busy relishing eating my favorite ice-cream..I did not have anything else in mind... However, as I prepared myself to sleep I checked the time in my cell phone and I then registered the date…21st May 2011…!! My brain suddenly froze..It was exactly five years ago that my mom had left me for the heavens..Five years...It’s a very long time…My first feeling was of disbelief...Is it that long??? Five years…It felt very strange, to register this fact…That she’s so far away from me now!!! Did I feel sad?? Not at that time no…I just felt empty, kind of dizzy…My father was sleeping beside me, I just looked at his face, so tired, so simple…I just held on to him for a few minutes, he didn’t know it, but I just felt a little calmed down.. Life is so strange, five years back I remember riding silently in the ambulance taking my mom, holding on to my father and holding hands with my brother looking down at my mum covered in numerous instruments, going into coma, the wailing siren killing me with each tone, scenes that keep coming back to haunt me; thinking everything is gone...Everything is finished...And here I was licking my ice –cream like a 12 yr old…Should I be ashamed?? Should I feel guilty?? The true answer would be No...But today I have this heavy load in my chest, and I want to get it off...The only way is by talking to you, and so I write this to you, which you will never read but it would help me feel a little more… peaceful!!!


Dear Maa,
I know you can’t read this, but I would still write it in anycase..That is the only way I am good at expressing my feelings honestly...Through words...


I am good and fine..You wouldn’t believe it, but I am actually going into journalism..You always were worried about me know??, see now I would probably do something good...Maybe I won’t be a very rich man, but I would still be happy, as this was what I always wanted to do..


Bhaiya is doing fine too...Sometimes he gets very tensed about his work...Remember that why I had prayed to you last time...It worked, like always...I am happy for him, he’s got a good partner now... As for Papa, he’s not changed much, still very much the same, simple, quiet and untidy..haha..


I didn’t even realize when these five years went by. .It seemed just yesterday when we used to be watching those comedy serials, me pulling your cheeks, eating your delicious food . All gone… When you went away, I thought life will never be the same again, that I would now change, and be serious and all that..But somehow that never happened..I still am the same as I was, maybe lots more emotional and a little mature, .But that’s it…The core is the same as you had made it.. You know the very next day that you had left us, I had come back to normal, taking care of the kids and guests, chatting having fun..Time passed by, I got into my studies and friends etc. .I don’t remember you everyday...No...But sometimes you just keep cropping in my mind out of the blue..Like when I am eating some sweets or ice-cream or mangoes, I know how much you loved them…And sometimes your words, your face , your smile just automatically comes in my mind when I am not feeling good or lonely…..I will always remember you Maa..No matter what…Remember when you had told me once that after I go away, you will cry for a few days and then forget everything..Thats not true Maa, and you know it…I always talk to you, pray to you..Inside me.


I just wish..That I could show you today..Good things that I have done..My writings, my documentaries , my prizes..No one at home really cares for them, I don’t blame them..But I knw you would have..You always did..Always..


I wish I could show you how handsome and healthy I have become too..Haha…You were always worried know..Dont be now..I have many friends who keep me alive and happy..I have got a couple of very very close friends too..You would have loved meeting them..Especially this cute girl..you would have loved her..She reminds me so much of you. The same innocent face, cute smile, chubby cheeks and endless dumbness..haha…And I keep pulling her cheeks too, just like yours.. These two Maa , have played a major part in my life after you went away and are like family now... Made me forget everything and realize life is about being normal and simple…I always tell them that it was some force that made us meet like that, or we wouldn’t have been this close.. I guess that force was you..Taking care of me, even while you aren’t here..


Anyways, I know you must be happy for me..But I wish I could see your face, that smile..Just once…Whenever I got these awards and all, you were the first one that came to my mind; it pained my heart a lot. I remember getting the award for the ‘best speaker’ few years back, and I didn’t have anyone to share my happiness with...I was going back in the auto, wiping my tears.. I am not ashamed in saying that I cry,. Whenever I am alone and I think about you..I do…But that’s normal..I feel so alone at those times….If only you were here...Things would have been so different…


Life will move on...So will I...But some things will always remain the same...I will always miss your delicious food...I will miss cuddling up to you, pampering you...Sleeping in your lap, forgetting my troubles..Your gentle kiss on my forehead... Your hands running through my hair, making me feel divine. I will miss all those pranks I used to play on you, you telling me stories of your childhood, listening to music together, watching T.V. together…Eating those mangoes and ice-cream together….I will miss hugging you,.Feeling your gentle heart..Seeing you pray, so purely…I will never forget your last kiss on my cheeks that day at the hospital, your lips had burnt, but it still felt the same..I will miss you Maa..


I wish you hadn’t been taken away from me like this...It still haunts me...Seeing you surrounded by all those equipments, struggling for each breath..That wasn't justice..You always told me to believe in ‘god’..Till your last day in the hospital... I wont ever be able to forget that..Your trust was broken…, and so was mine..I will never forgive..


But you don’t worry about anything now Maa, I will take care of Papa too..I wont let him be alone, I promise..I will try and be an honest human being like you..And will always pray to you too..Always..Thanks for guiding me even now, and listening to my prayers..I feel you many times..Inside me…


I don’t know where you are, I just hope that wherever it is, it’s better than the life we could provide you with. ..I am Sorry Maa, I couldn’t give you any real happiness while you were here… But I will try and be a loyal son…Like you used to say, your ‘shravan kumar’..People tell me that you were proud of me..I don’t know about that…All I know is that my love will never diminish for you..You are my greatest source of inspiration,. For living..I have to prove a lot yet..I will…Just wish you were here to see it…So that i could touch your feet just one more time, feel your soft hands on my hair , one more time...See the twinkle in your eyes,..Just one more time...See that smile that made my world...Just One more Time...........


Where did you go away Maa,.?? Where did you??


Love you always…
Your ‘Shravan Kumar’…Chiku…