The ‘Facebook-Wallas’

Okay, so after writing so many hard-hitting, engaging, analytic, sarcastic pieces I wanted to take a break. As in I wanted to try my hand at a different kind of writing. Something very light and maybe funny. I wondered on the topic to take, trying to search and look for it in things around me. Then, this Sunday I went for a movie with an old school friend of mine. While we were in the theatre waiting for the movie to start, he suddenly took out his flashy cell phone with a gleam in his eye and said, “Let me update this on my Facebook profile.”  I looked at him to gauge if he was serious; and then he started typing- “With Bhavesh Bhimani at New Empire (the name of the theater).”  He looked satisfied after doing it, “There, done.” But it left me pondering; what is this new fad all about? And from therein came the idea for this piece.

Facebook or FB as they call it, is something which makes up a significant part of our lives in today’s times; there is no denying that fact. However, what I suddenly found intriguing after that incident was to notice how different people react and behave differently on FB. Immediately in my mind’s eye I tried to classify different Facebook users according to the way they behave and the way I perceive them in general. I call them the ‘Facebook-Wallas’. Please do not take anything personally though, this is just an attempt to be humorous. Let us have a closer look:

The Lover: The most prominent and the most dominated list in my view. The world is collapsing around you, there are terrorists right outside your window, India is at war, but wait a minute; they don’t give a rat's fart about it. They want to love and spread the message of love. LOVE, LOVE LOVE and some more LOVE. They share love quotes via pics or status updates. While that is fine to digest to an extent but what makes the brains go mad is when people start sharing details of their love lives on FB. Someone is in love, someone is heartbroken, someone is feeling cheated or someone is trying to woo their love. Oh hell they just want to Love…LOVE, LOVE and some more LOVE.  “I still miss her smile”, “I wish he would understand”, “You make me feel special”, “Oh God, I have butterflies in my stomach”- are some of the samples which I have to endure daily. I just yell- “PLEASE SPARE ME.. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SPARE ME.” But they don’t listen to you, all they say is- LOVE, LOVE LOVE and some more LOVE.

The VVIPs: Or I can also bracket them as the self- appointed superstars. “Ramesh was with Suresh at the Dhaba”, “Sanjay was with Aman at the Airport, “Going for dinner with my friends”, “Just bought a new pair of converse shoes”, or worse still, “Watching movie with Mahesh,” while Mahesh types, “Enjoying the film with Kamlesh”, “Now eating Chole bhature,”. Okay, now really. What is happening to people? Every single, miniscule, insignificant detail of your life is being poured out through Facebook. Someone badly needs to tell them- 'We don't give a f***'. 

I guess these days some scenes at a restaurant between friends must be like this:  X- “Ahh my dinner has arrived, boy am I hungry.” Y- “Don’t touch it, let me take a pic of this. Have to post this right now.” X- “But I am hungry, please let me eat.” Y- “F*** your hunger, this has to be posted fresh, now move aside, I want a good view”.

There is a sub-division to these VVIPs as well; people who take it upon themselves to inform the world about when the sun rises and when night falls : “Good Morning friends”, “Good night buddies.” I wish Facebook would type back, “Just go to sleep asshole.”

The ‘Liker’:  Very large in numbers I tell you, but not very harmful either. They are mostly offline, and just stay around all day to snoop and lurk into people’s posts and other updates and 'like' them without even bothering to see if it is worth it. These people must be  operating somewhat like this: Open FB, scroll down the homepage, see all the statuses and then go- Like, Like,Like, Like…. , then type “Hehehe’”, “ROFL” on certain posts and say “Ahh, job done for the day.”

The Gamer: Another class which are gigantic in numbers. While I do not have any issues with people spending entire days on playing ‘Farmville’ or whatever other ‘ville’ there is; the problem arises when people become generous and start sending game requests. I have really lost count of the umpteen number of people I have blocked from sending me these preposterously idiotic game requests, but they still somehow survive and live to send another ‘request’. I wish there was a constitutional law against this; where I can file a complaint against people who send me these requests. But then again who knows, the judge might not listen to my case properly as he might be too busy sending another game request to a friend. Lord help the world.

The Promoter:  These people are what I call shameless. ‘Events’ are created and then shamelessly sent to everybody on the ‘Friends list’. And then if you unfortunately, out of courtesy, accept the event then you are done for. They will keep notifying you about the event and bombard you with its details in the hope that you are forced to attend it out of sheer frustration. Then there are others who create ‘pages’ and ask you to share and promote it. “Pls pls. Like my page”, “Pls promote my page,” and some other such comments will keep pricking you until you actually do it. It gets downright embarrassing sometimes when people keep messaging you even in your inbox: “Bro, Don’t forget to like my page”. I say to myself, “Where are the terrorists when you need them.”

The Tagger:  Ahem. This one includes myself. But then again, I always tag people with my write-ups; in the hope that it reaches them. (I also request you today through this post, that after you have read my posts kindly do ‘untag' yourselves). However, what is horribly irritating is when people keep tagging at the drop of the hat on any picture or post they feel like. I find it bizarre when people even take pictures of themselves and then tag people; and these are embarrassing I tell you. People who look almost in a drunken state go on to tag people and then ask, “Guys, how do I look?” There is a bloke in my list who keeps doing this every day and once I found him displaying a picture of his slashed wrists to everyone with pride! The levels some people stoop to nowadays to grab some eyeballs!  Sometimes I really feel I should have taken a licensed gun, if you know what I mean.

Mr. /Mrs. Emotional:  “Feeling sad,”

 “Why dear, what’s wrong?”

“Can’t tell you here”

Hmmm..

“I am fed up of my life.”

“Kyu, kya hua dear?”

“Can’t tell you here,”

Okay, so why the f!@# did you write this in any case? Closely related to ‘The Lover', this breed is dangerously large in proportions. See the above pic for a perfect example of these psychos. They think that they are the saddest and the most aggrieved people in the world. And even if you do not care, you will have to read their drivel in front of your eyes. They even go the extent of typing sad songs on their wall or of course copy-pasting sad love quotes which are massive in number or  keep posting emotional love songs and pictures. There is just no end to these people’s barrage of emotional downpour. “Oh look I am sad, please give me some attention and pamper me,” is what they actually mean. I keep my temper in check every time I see these posts; but they still somehow get to me. As I write this I see another such post: 

“I still miss the look of your eyes,” 

I look for my gun. 

“Love is blind, love is life. I am unlucky in life.”

I load the bullets in my gun.

“I wish the pain would go away,”

BANG…!!!

The Social-activist:  This is a brand new breed and are really spreading like a virus. Apparently they think they are making the world a better place by constantly sharing some ‘thought-provoking’ pictures. A picture of a handicapped child whose face is grotesque and is hardly visible is posted and then it is written: “Please share this pic, one like might save her life”. Okay, but how? “Errr.. That is not my job to know. I just did what any good citizen would do for their society” is the prompt answer. So in today’s times if you love your mother, or sister or your army then you have got to ‘like’ these pictures you see. The above picture is an apt summary of what I feel about these impudent posts. 

And then there is a barrage of endless garble like “If you want to fight the cause against cancer, then like this pic”, “If you think that animals should not be dealt cruelly, then like this pic. One like means a thousand animals saved,”, “If you think this poor man deserves food, then click like,” Hmm.. I wonder what it must it must be like to be a real activist, like many I know who are on the ground, fighting to make our society better. They do not even have the time to open a Facebook account. Tsk. Tsk. 

However, I have a vivid imagination and thus I tried to visualize how these 'Facebook Social-activists' might actually be like, here is a sample:

“Ahh. This picture looks good. The child looks pretty malnutrition-ed and the picture of this beaten up cat is a cinch to get me a hundred likes,” he smiles to himself. As the last morsel of the potato chips drops out from his lips, he farts, then goes on to post these pictures and awaits the feedback. “5 likes and 3 comments in 10 minutes!!.. coooool”. My good deed for the day is done, he thinks to himself and farts some more in sheer pleasure of his success.  “Now where is that porn site I had bookmarked? Time for some real action.”  Ta-dah… !!

                                                                        ******

I agree I might have sounded a little too harsh or maybe even over the top, but then that is what I intended to do, for I feel we take Facebook a little too seriously at times. We let it consume our lives by making us ignore the simpler and genuine pleasures of life like actually enjoying the movie or food before trying to 'share' it with the world. Tender emotions are supposed to be felt and not talked about every time; a dear friend of mine had taught me that albeit indirectly. Enjoy your life, but not at the cost of making it a news bulletin.

Now I will take your leave and ponder over a new topic to write on. Meanwhile you may also add some more titles to the above classifications I have made. It shall be appreciated. 

And before you close this page, err.. don’t forget to ‘like’ and ‘share’ this post on your Facebook wall will you?